The Hardest Goodbye

As I write this, I don’t even know where to begin. The truth is, for the past 5 weeks or more, life has been incredibly difficult.

In these passing weeks, my family and I have battled with Covid and more recently, have experienced the loss of my Grandmother. You are probably wondering why I am writing this, and I guess a part of me is too, but all I know is, I cannot continue to post across Twitter & Instagram, or write blog posts posing as ‘normal’ because nothing in my life right now is normal.

The end of March was just the beginning of my world falling apart (again) my gorgeous Grandmother had taken ill, and was later diagnosed with Covid. We all got tested as a result, and I was one of those that tested positive too. Days before receiving the positive results, I had already felt symptoms, and despite being in the ‘good’ age bracket for surviving the virus, some of them were really rough, but that was soon the least of my worries.

My Grandmother, (more affectionately known to us as Nanny Hayes) had seemingly begun to pick up, we had got her through the most infectious 14 day period and we were thanking God/the heavens/any powerful force there is. She was coming back to herself, our mother and Grandmother, the light of our lives. I only saw her the day before she passed away, (it was now safe to do so) and I had the most beautiful few hours with her. We chatted, she fed me copious amounts of tea and biscuits and I walked away so happy knowing she had been in such great form. The day after, however, was a different story.

The night of Sunday, April 25th, again, my Nanny, still in seemingly good form chatting away and having tea, decided to leave us peacefully. I haven’t been right since. The only comfort I have is that, she did go peacefully, unaware and in company of family, but it doesn’t change the fact that she is gone.

Nanny Hayes was the most welcoming, warm and beautiful person to be put on this earth. She was strong, and faced the many challenges she went through in life head on, she remained positive and had a strong faith. In my 24 years, I have never known a life without her. When I was child, she lived with us on and off for years, she played a huge part in my growing up and has been there for every event and milestone in my life. I can’t imagine going through any more of those events without her cheering me on.

She may have been 95, due to turn 96 this September, but she was the most strong spirited 95 year old you could have met in your life. 13 months we managed to keep Covid from entering her door, but it made it’s way in.

I have been broken by loss for the second time in my life, my big brother and now my Grandmother. I truly hope they are together now, and that their souls are happy. I will try to rebuild my life, and keep going in their honour because I know that is what they would want me to do, but so much loss in my life has hit hard and I know it will take time.

Goodbye for now Nan, I love you with all of my heart ❤️❤️

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